show episodes
 
Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through a chunkerino of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they're the fun kind of dumb, and that's what counts.
 
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show series
 
The whole Square Roots is out of sorts this week as they are obsessed with chilli dogs, and not really that interested in Sora revisiting the Disney worlds again. But that doesn't mean there's not a lot to talk about, like: - "I Love That You Love It" - Evil Uncle Scratch - Fitness Deez Lutz - She Wants That Knot - Not Gas-X - Auron Action Figure T…
 
Somehow although we only visited a handful of worlds this chunker became chockablock with crazy nonsense, including: - Lion Hamlet - Vanessa Gets Visited By A Socially Conservative Owl - Congratulations Things - Roxas's friends: Hey There, Paunch and Oolug - Getting Norted - Do You Like Imagine Dragons? - Naminé-tions - Can Sora Read? - Cyber Bikes…
 
This time Kingdom Hearts 2 really swings for the bleachers with nothin' but hits, from Aladdin to Little Mermaids and Pirates of the Carribbean! It's tough to reach a consensus on all this finny fun, but there's plenty to enjoy such as: - Gilbert Gottfried's newest sponsors - Aladdin's Whole Other Family - Vanessa's shocking Pirates confession - A …
 
Oh hey! Welcome to our continuing journey through Squaresoft and Disney's Kingdom Hearts 2! There's plenty of Disney nostalgia in this episode, as well as Nomura nonsense, random Organization XIII characters and also: - Disneyfied Auron - Old Castles Aren't Fun - Daisy's good Ending - I believe in BooBerry - A Little Pete Chat This Week: Olympus, 1…
 
We get through our first two Disney worlds and yet this episode is surprisingly light on Disney songs. On this chunker of Squaresoft's Kingdom Hearts 2 we get Sora a couple of rad keyblades and also: - Jim explains how drives work - Vanessa wants to learn all the official Disney nipples - Everyone loves Doug Airholes - Jim's first good theory in th…
 
Oh yes. We have embarked on an adventure. We're going to the Kingdom.... of Hearts! Two! This Patreon vote winner has brought a multitude of responses from each host. On this episode: - Matt's fancy son wonders why the chairs in Organization XIII are so high - Jim gets frustrated when we don't let him tell us what's happening - Johnny gets confused…
 
Gird up your Mommy Milkers and Daddy Doinkers because it's time for some of us to finish Final Fantasy 8! This episode has everything you've ever wanted in a finalé episode, including: - More GF ranking! - Shumi Hand Talk! - Only Vanessa understanding the ending! - Junctionning yourself onto... SlutZone! - Maybe the best Final Fantasy last dungeon …
 
We sit down with Writer/Director Billy Ray (Captain Phillips, The Comey Rule, The Hunger Games), to discuss his film Shattered Glass, ethics in journalism, and his upcoming series on the January 6th attacks on the US Capitol. VIDYA GAMEZ Check out Billy Ray's wiki here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billy_Ray_(screenwriter) Tweet at Billy Ray: @Bil…
 
Holy heck! Square Roots is FIVE whole years old! We debate whether half a decade is a long time as well as other hot topics like: - Vanessa doesn't want to be in a certain Posse - The Crisp Bowl Spire - Rinoa's little flux problem, a blurby wurble thing - Lunatic Pandora, Matt's Favourite Papa Roach Album - Final Fantasy's Longest Running Will They…
 
Okay, this is an incredible episode. Why? Because of the following talking points: - A Kramer Versus Kramer Scenario - A Difficult Cidtuation - Ruby Dragon: A XXX Porn Parody - Terrible Sephiroth - Would You Put Your Penix in the Phoenix? This Week: We reach the Lunar Gate as Squall! Next Week: We finish Disc 3! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squa…
 
YEAH! We're only on Disc 2 and yet it's already Disc 3 crazy. This episode: we discuss Mortal Monday and the declaration of release dates; the world's most obvious Alan Tudyk pun; we list out the greatest sax hits for Irvine to play; Quistis mimes the flute; Squall makes PA announcements about hotdogs and his feelings; we meet the Garden Babies and…
 
We all have a game That we hide away forever Then we take it out and play ourselves When everything is wrong Some are Seifer some are Squall Some are Selphie and some are Quistis They're the cast of this chunker But we love to play them all! Well, we all get impaled But we disregard the danger When you try to assassinate the sorceress Sometimes you…
 
Vanessa gets lost in her role as the Sorceress Edea in this jam-packed episode of Square Roots. Not only do we discuss all sorts of kinds of tap dances, we also look at Rinoa's comfortable sweater, get involved in another caper, meet some big beefy bull boys, realize Irvine looks like a male stripper-slash-magician, and cast a 1990s dream version o…
 
Have the tables turned on Final Fantasy 8? Is everyone loving it all of a sudden? What the hell? One word: TRAINS. On this episode of Square Roots: we visit the hot dog room, Vanessa wants feathery soft chocobo cuddles and fluffly flappy moogle cuddles, Laguna Loire is the first real protagonist of the game, Johnny breaks the game, a three-person l…
 
Oh boy. The JRPG you either love, hate, or have another opinion on - Square's Final Fantasy VIII. Topics covered today: L'il Baby I Don't know; this game is about reading in a serious way; identifying a real Lisa Kudrow; thicc, thicc Quistis; cargo jorts; sometimes Squall has a 4K face; and Vanessa's greatest mashup ever: Truly, Madly, Crazy. This …
 
Mass Effect 2 COMPLETE. How many hosts crossed the finish line? Did everyone side with the Alliance or The Illustrated Man? Why were the Reapers building a Baby Terminator? What's up with all the useful people being loaded onto the Magic School Bus? Did Johnny get to romance Morinth? Who lived and who died on the suicide mission? So many questions!…
 
You'll be glad you came to listen to this episode of our Mass Effect 2 playthrough, because it's got it all: Vanessa questioning whether Johnny knows what a nipple is, Luke's classic line "No you weren't, Obi-Wan!", classic dumb robot logic, a doctor definitely not being controlled by this lovely, beautiful artifact, and Vanessa reveals that Batari…
 
On this week's episode of Square Roots, we clear up all the Loyalty Missions in Mass Effect 2, as well as so many other shocking revelations including: Elcor stepmom fan fiction, Wesident Evil 8 Vampire Lady, Morinth and her love for Matchbox 20, Johnny's apparent love for Boondock Saints and Garrus trying to frame Shepherd for his crimes. This Wee…
 
Finally, we get the whole team together in this action-packed chunker of Mass Effect! This week: tum-tums are punched and shot, we lean into our kids show host natures, Vanessa wants to Shape of Water Thane, people get sucked down the Illusive Man Space YouTube hole, Biotic Space God Niftu Cal, recruiting Timothy Olyphant and Snooki to help finish …
 
We're now getting deep into Mass Effect 2! On this episode we recruit the prisoner, meet up with Doctor Okurrrrrrrr, and save the Horizon Zero Dawn colony. Also this week: we compare the abilities of Cutscene Jack versus Game Jack, question just what symbols are on the side of the new Cerebus Normandy, Vanessa tries her hand at slash fiction, and s…
 
On your favorite podcast on the citadel this season: we discuss Mass Effect 2! So much to go through that this chunker hits almost three hours. Sorry. Topics discussed include: Miranda's game cover blowout; potential colony names including MILF Town and Slut Zone (again); the Helena Blake Sale; Garrus's erotic leg spread and of course Jim's big tee…
 
We wrap up Squaresoft's Vagrant Story this week, and with that the Sydney and Ashley's story ends. Lots of stuff to talk about: is Crimson Shroud an Ivalice game? Tip versus Root versus Rood? Why is Ashley holding Sydney so tenderly? What the heck happened at the Duke's secondary residence? This Week: We finish the game! Next Week: We recruit Archa…
 
Frankly, this episode was an embarassment of riches for possible titles. We could have had: "Butt Metal Game Music", "Nugget Furniture After Dark", "Korn's Haze Theme", "Party Talk Is In The House Tonight", "Hashtag Crime" or even "Vanessa's Giant Themed OnlyFans!" And that's not even getting into the full eight minute long hiccup attack Jim has if…
 
After we all throw Vanessa in a locker for insisting on using the term baileywick "we" continue to "play" Vagrant story, with varying degrees of quotation marks needed on a host-by-host basis. But we continue with this Cross Guy Rosencrantz heavy episode, which has not one but two Troy-from-Community style moments where Ashley is forced to realize …
 
Oh yeah, life goes on, until your servants and kids are taken hostage by a cult. On this first episode of Squaresoft's Vagrant Story, even I cringe at my pronunciation of Solstice. Also discussed today: bulges, butts, peek-a-boo windows, Christmas in Ivalice, impressive video game hair, and more. Also we drive Vanessa off the show by refusing to st…
 
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