))
Just two hyper-critical English majors talking some pretty big game about The Wheel of Time. Co-hosts Emily and Sally gather around their kitchen table each week to serve you up a full fantasy feast of oft-misremembered summary, hot analysis, scraps of literary theory, and a whole lot of hating Rand.
For ch. 45-46, we review the Sex and the City franchise (bad), talk about Aram's Bloodthirsty Stage, demand that Robert Jordan elaborate on the Kissing Rituals, and discuss CSI: Saldaea and Slap Tuesday.
This episode is ostensibly about ch. 43-44, but at one point Sally lists every Disney Channel Original Movie that she can remember. Also discussed: Skateboarding Pervert, the Complexity of Women, Emily's Dickensian Upbringing, and Sexy Rat. Lindsay Ellis Video. Sexy Rat. Transcript
In chapters 41-42, Min spends a whole chapter acting like a 10th grader, Rand doesn't understand why The Farm sounds so ominous, and Mazrim Taim is humiliated when his mortal enemy puts some Girl Scout badges on him. Bonus topic: Deprogramming the Asha'man. Transcript
Chs. 38-40 teach us some valuable lessons about women's agency and some not-so-valuable lessons about how all women are liars and idiots. Thanks, RJ. Other talking points: Mat's Dump Was Charisma, Egg's Dozen, and Totally Benign Knife-Sharpening. Transcript
As the tax man cometh, so do ch. 36-37. We discuss the classist implications of the Perfect Servant Trope, Egwene's Zero-to-Sixty Leadership Competence versus Rand's Parabola of Competence to Insanity, and we ask once again: Why doesn't Elayne just GO to Andor? Transcript
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Everybody Hates Rand: A Wheel of Time Podcast
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Episode 153: Astral Projection of a Horse
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43:19
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So these ones are bad. Chapters 34-35 are just real stinkers. We'll talk about why -- hint: the rampant transphobia and misogyny -- but luckily we'll also talk about some Jesus Lore and cap the episode with every horse name we can remember. CW: discussions of transphobia, Aran'gar Transcript
There's a lot going on in ch. 31-33. We visit the Questioner Cathedral, explain why you Can't Drown a Mermaid, learn the Secret to the Female Orgasm (it's a car crash), sell Mat an On-Fire Iron Flute, and Explore the Inherent Eroticism of Gazing at One's Sword. You're welcome? Transcript
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Everybody Hates Rand: A Wheel of Time Podcast
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Episode 151: Dominating Friends and Manipulating People
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45:52
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Unsurprisingly, ch. 29-30, set in Salidar, absolutely suck. We discuss Freud's Wet Dream (Thom and Elayne), Nynaeve Being a gOoD LiTtLe wOmAn, Equal Opportunity Sluts, and we demand to know: Where Are the Vineyards? TW: Aran'gar Transcript
In our coverage of ch. 28, we remind Rand and his Goldfish Brain about Diplomacy (Get Some). We also commission a Lews Therin Motivational Poster and remind you: Don't Be Anthony. CW: This episode discusses the sexual assault that happens in this chapter. Transcript
Who or what is Pope Shark, and what does it have to do with Wheel of Time? Well, nothing. But for ch. 26-27, we also talk about Bashere's Tik Tok Account, Rand's Analysis Paralysis, Spotting Mormons in the Wild, and Magic Goosebumps (Tingling Saidar Senses). Transcript
Have you ever wondered if there's any WoT content on Pornhub? Don't worry, Sally will look it up. Talking points for ch. 24-25 include: Aiel Copycat Murderers, Eggy Phantom, Gawyn's Traveling Frat House, and Charming White Man (Derogatory). Transcript
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Everybody Hates Rand: A Wheel of Time Podcast
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Episode 147: "The Swiss Army Knife of Buttholes"
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During ch. 22-23, Emily has no idea what's going on (as usual). But seriously, where's all this going? Where's the pay-off to this set-up? We need Poirot Cauthon on the case. At least we have Olver's rock resume to keep us going. Transcript
Hi, everyone! This isn't a full-length episode, and the info covered here can also be found on our Instagram. This is mostly meant for anyone who might be listening after the release date and doesn't want to scroll through social media to get the deets. Thanks for being cool! Transcript
In ch. 17-18, we're asking hard questions, like: What if Berelain was a mentor to Egg? What if Rand used creative problem-solving? Where does Juilin put the thieves he catches? And which fruit WAS it, actually, in the Garden of Eden? Transcript
Welcome to 2021! We think Halwin Norry should be Queen of Andor. Other controversial topics from ch. 15-16 include Pillows of Fiber, Gawyn's Sim Sex Dreams, Egg-ucation, and how Salidar is just Plot Purgatory. Transcript
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Everybody Hates Rand: A Wheel of Time Podcast
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Episode 143: Traveling Corn on the Cob Salesman
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Our entire podcast might be one big foible, but at least we're not Aes Sedai dropouts. For ch. 13-14, we discuss Kool-Aid Man Tarna Feir, Nynaeve's Foreshadowing Bucket, and everything wrong with Gawyn's Toxic Dream Fantasy (it's a lot). Transcript
This episode (ch. 11-12) is short only because we had to delete our Top Five Sexiest Anime Men discussion. Uncut are our talks about Brandy on the Binky, Mazrim Taim's Second Location, CSI: Caemlyn, the Boys-Throwing-Rocks Instinct, and Theodrin, Queen of Staying in Her Lane. Transcript
This episode, covering ch. 9-10, includes some of our hottest takes: Idris Elba should be in a "Hatchet" movie. Unlike Pedron Niall, at least Rand has a to-do list. Everyone is bad at Minecraft. And Bashere is a master of emotional curb-stomping. Transcript
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Everybody Hates Rand: A Wheel of Time Podcast
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Episode 140: Sprinkle in Some Torture Porn
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Oh, Lord of Chaos, asking the big questions, like, "Is torture still bad even when the people getting tortured are annoying?" Yes, actually! For ch. 7-8, we discuss Fantasy Ambien, Demandred's Evil Laugh, Editorial Conflict of Interest, and Salidar Video Game Glitching. Transcript
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Everybody Hates Rand: A Wheel of Time Podcast
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Episode 139: Hypothetical Game of Thrones Writers Trolley Problem
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Ch. 5-6 are good and bad. Bad because of the Human Circus, the Short Bastard Man, and the Whitest Woman to Ever White. Good because of the Dark One's Candy Mountain and Mat's OT4. Are themes just for eighth graders and wimps? You be the judge. Transcript
For chapters 3-4, we talk about Cricket Player Douchebaggery, Weaponizing Toxic Masculinity (and Toxic Femininity!), Mazrim Taim's School for Deranged War Criminals, and how Famine Has Control of Boston. Now with better audio quality! Transcript
We're getting sued by Shrek for our coverage of chapters 1 and 2. Discussion points include: Bashere's Erotic Energy, Tybalt the Fartful Dodger, Mazrim Taim Slip 'n' Slide, and a War Crimes-Shaped Cookie Cutter. Uh, sorry? Transcript
Apologies for the low volume as we adjust to a new recording space. We finish the prologue by discussing John Travlota Rand, Alternate Lord of Chaos Titles, D-d-damn Daniel, Bad Decision-Making in the Royal House of Andor, and Rand's Monarchy (But Make It Bigger). Transcript
Welcome to season six! The title says it all. We get halfway through the prologue of Lord of Chaos, discussing Pop Culture Neo, Who Needs to Be Guillotined, The Dark One Firing Demandred, and Rand's Revolving Door of Women. Transcript
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Everybody Hates Rand: A Wheel of Time Podcast
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Episode 134: Indigenous Peoples' Day Special Episode
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We haven't worked up the courage to face Lord of Chaos yet, so we decided to discuss how (and if!) indigenous people are represented in Wheel of Time. We also laugh for, like, ten minutes at the word "moo-nionizing." Transcript
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Everybody Hates Rand: A Wheel of Time Podcast
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Episode 133: Last Battle Participation Trophy
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The heavens have been fired, and we're officially done with book five! And what a chaotic ride it's been. For chapters 55-56, we talk about Moghedien's Opera Glasses, how Nynaeve Has the High Ground, and Rand's School for Boys Who Want to Do Magic. Transcript
If you think men have tear ducts, chapters 53-54 will prove you wrong. This episode will also prove that Emily is gay and can't do math, that Lan has reached a new low on the break-up scale (BENEATH Facebook Messenger break-up), and that we're all just following Fast and Furious logic. Transcript
We've reached one of the most iconic sequences in the Wheel of Time: when Moiraine stage manages the HELL out of her own "death." For ch. 51 & 52, we also talk about Sexy Zombie Mat, Catching Frish, Don't Skin the Messenger, and Sulin Joining Mat's War Council. Transcript
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Everybody Hates Rand: A Wheel of Time Podcast
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Episode 130: Sisters or Coworkers, No In Between
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Ch. 49 and 50 are so, so long. There's no humor to be found in them, but a lot of questions: Should Sherlock Holmes be sexy? Is smuggling a victimless crime? Are the seals actually important? Has Robert Jordan heard of friends? Transcript
Robert Jordan is taking leaves in ch. 47 & 48, just like he always does. Other discussion topics include: Egg's Amyrlin Box, Jazz Hands Shimmying, Be Nicer to Mat 2k20, and Galad's Bleached Violence. Transcript
This week, we cover ch. 45-46, and Mat goes on Reddit to ask: AITA? Meanwhile, Asmodean can't pronounce the word "friend," Moiraine supervises Special K, the nobility suffer through an unsanitary spear kissing ritual, and Robert Jordan uses his page space unwisely. What else is new? Transcript
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Everybody Hates Rand: A Wheel of Time Podcast
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Episode 127: Fantasy Jesus Has a Death Wish
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We'd like to remind you that we are not the glee club. Other discussion topics for chapters 43-44 include: Signature for Ants, Beefalo, and Mantrum with Lantrum. Plus, for the first time ever, Lan actually acts like a good mentor? Transcript
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Everybody Hates Rand: A Wheel of Time Podcast
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Episode 126: The Holy Quadrangle of Fascinating Dildo Things
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As the title implies, there's a highly graphic sidebar in this episode about the big blue dildo in HBO's "Watchmen." Whoops! More WoT-centric topics include: Glass-Blowing Inconsistencies, Mat's Transition Lenses, and Miners vs. Minors. Chapters 41 & 42. Transcript
Chapters 39 and 40 are here to teach us all about cults (and whether you're in one)! Discussion topics include: a Tybalt-centric Universe, Masema's 12 Friends Justice System, Alliandre's Resume, and Fergalicious Galaxy Brain. Transcript
Emily "Eyeball" Juchau and Sally "Sadness" Goodger are back after a brief hiatus to talk about ch. 37 and 38. We'll discuss the history of circuses and "freak shows" and the intersections between human cruelty and animal cruelty. If that sounds like a downer, worry not: there's a guy named Philip Ass-ley involved. Transcript…
In chapters 35 and 36, Elayne wrestles with some sticky consent issues, Robert Jordan plays queer-coding dodgeball, Valan Luca is a cult leader, and Birgitte is the only emotionally healthy person in this circus full of bummers. Enjoy! Transcript
For chapters 33 and 34, we recover from sex igloo mostly by making fun of Elayne. We'll talk about her Sudden Passion for Carpentry, Galad Eating Falafel, the Forsaken's Chair Personalities, and, of course, Emily's Wonky Right Hip. Transcript
This episode is so long, just because there is so much misogyny, toxic masculinity, bad writing, and issues of consent in the Sex Igloo chapters (31 and 32). We'll lay it all out for you. But don't worry -- we will also wonder Where Enya Is Now for ten minutes. Transcript
Oh, chapters 29 and 30? You mean the ones where a woman gets dismembered and Rand doesn't know what taxes are? Hard pass. We talk about Immune System Football, Officer Nepotism, Ghost Vampires, and the Bra/Public Execution Scale. Transcript
In our coverage of ch. 26-28, we really challenge ourselves: to understand whether Min has an Oedipus complex, to rate Gareth Bryne's misogynistic comments, to name at least six Aes Sedai, and to look into Siuan's floating Gatsby eyes. Good luck. Transcript
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Everybody Hates Rand: A Wheel of Time Podcast
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Episode 118: Read Black Authors, Not Wheel of Time
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Read Black revolutionary texts: https://tinyurl.com/yabm3ggz Buy from Black-owned bookstores: https://aalbc.com/bookstores/list.php Support Black Lives Matter: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/# Transcript
Sadly, chapters 24 and 25, though thematically romantic, aren't as sexy as we'd like. Join us as we talk about Egwene's Domesticity Dreams, the Devil Wears Prada Syndrome, Elaida's HGTV Dream Home, and Horny Anime Nosebleeds! Transcript
Our coverage of ch. 22-23 is brought to you by Subaru! We talk about Mat's Dump-truck Ass, Leo's Bear Invulnerability, Bastard Requirements, and, of course, Wheel of Time sex ed: If You Have Sex, You WILL Be Attacked by Trollocs, and You WILL Die. Transcript
After reading chapters 20 & 21, we have decided to run for governor. Join us as we blaze our campaign trail and talk about Jenga Mountains, Hashtag Vulture Hate, Baby Asmodean, Brandbert, and Normalizing Unsexual Tension. Transcript
If we are being honest, the bulk of this episode (ch. 17-19) is a discussion about sexualized fruits. But we made time for a discussion about Valan Luca's Circus of Hiding People, Blaming Rand's Dick on a Cosmic Level, Gaebril/Gerbil, and False "Feminism" Fatigue. TW: We discuss sexual assault in this episode. Transcript…
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Everybody Hates Rand: A Wheel of Time Podcast
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Episode 113: We Are Not Condoning the Assassination of the Archduke Franz Ferdinand
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You might think the title of this episode says it all about chapters 15 & 16, but there's so much more to the story: HGTV Amyrlin Office, Man Talk, and Trom: Legend. We go zero to a hundred, just like Elayne about Galad and World War I. Transcript
Our coverage of chapters 13 & 14 is weirdly leg-centric, but that's just because Valan Luca is here now. Conversation topics include: Celebrity Man Legs, Baba Yaga House With Chris's Legs, Jon Hamm Island, and the Sharan Spider Infestation. Transcript
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Everybody Hates Rand: A Wheel of Time Podcast
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Episode 111: Lugard, A Great Place to Hide a Body
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For chapters 11 & 12, we visit (and try to pronounce) Lugard, demand Reasonably Sized Text, salute the Once and Future Pope, and discuss the Whitecloak Witch Capture Quota. TW: We talk about sexual assault in this episode. Transcript
Welcome to Whitecloak Country, y'all! In chapters 8, 9, & 10, Nynaeve does a Dust Storm Whoopsie, Elayne has a terminal case of Desire Within the Patriarchy, Juilin Trains the Police, and we meet someone whose name is definitely pronounced Rhonda. Transcript
For chapters 6 & 7, we've captured the Day 17 (at the time of recording) mood: the Live Action Despicable Me Remake. There's also Record-Breaking Boner Talk, Rand's Shawshank Redemption, Illegal Dream Homework, and the Dirty Emond's Field Watering Hole. Transcript
