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WARNING: CONTAINS SEXY STUFF. Which basically just means we talk about Charlie Brown and Spooky Buddies. Please be safe this Halloween season and don't summon Satin and keep your wife away from lovely yellow minions. Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sell out! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on …
 
Hey ghostie, bring that thicc smoky body this way ;) Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sell out! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Subscribe to Christine's YouTube channel to watch her read creepy stories! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb-gAs8Evw3ht70wTk…
 
Welcome to Asparagus: Fully Plucked, where we provide educational agriculture content to all members of Pat's Kingdom. So sit back, roll a rug in a bug, and enjoy! Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sell out! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Subscribe to Ch…
 
Normally since it's his birthday, we'd say 'All hail Xandy!' but we're over here hailing the corn cob cannon king instead. Maybe next year, Xandy. Maybe. Listen to Alex's newest podcast, Human Seeking Human: https://linktr.ee/humanseekingpod Watch Alex's 12 hour birthday stream! https://www.twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Support us on Patreon at patreon.c…
 
Thanks for tuning in to episode 1 of Dilbert + Smash Mouth: A Haunting. We hope you enjoy the nonsensical ramblings of a former Indiana model and his M&M loving sister. Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sell out! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Subscribe …
 
You give podcasters a listen, you feed them a meal. Teach podcasters to steal listens, they probably get kicked off their platform. This made slightly more sense with apple sauce... Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sell out! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosand…
 
Well this was a weird one, so I'm not sure what to say here. Something something IKEA gnomes and bread bowls. Y'all know. Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sell out! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Subscribe to Christine's YouTube channel to watch her rea…
 
Christine and Alex, the scum of the earth, are back to discuss communism, Kafka, and The Parking Enforcement Agenda (PEA). Christine also throws curses around like they're nothing, so we're sorry in advance if we ruin your life. Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sell out! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Su…
 
Hey all you naughty gulls, thanks for tuning in to Christine's National Convention. She has only one platform: Eradicate All Ocean Worms. Please don't vote for her. Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sell out! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Subscribe to C…
 
We're going through our lives as a couple of dunk clowns: We think too highly of ourselves and we laugh at our own jokes. Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sell out! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Subscribe to Christine's YouTube channel to watch her rea…
 
Need more of life's sweet substance? We got you covered. We're back with another episode where we read reviews that you found and sent in to us! Email us at beachtoosandy@gmail.com with the subject "Between You And Us" and you might be featured in next month's episode! Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sell out! https://store.dftba.com/col…
 
After years of perfecting our popsicle stick versions of episode 89, we've finally released the finished product. In this episode, we read reviews of lighthouses worthy of Steven King's editor. So sit down, heat up your beans, and enjoy the episode. But before you listen, heed this warning: sexy stuff. Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sel…
 
Welcome to rush week! There's only one option and it's They-ta They-ta They-ta. And everyone is invited to join! The only hazing will be us forcing you to watch Ants With No Pants on DVD. Welcome! Get 15% off your merch order with coupon code TOOSANDY now! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at pa…
 
If you're wondering what Jimmy Fingers is up to, he's using those fingers of his to go to https://www.raicestexas.org/ways-to-give/bond-fund/ to donate to the RAICES Texas Bond Fund! They are a nonprofit agency that promotes justice by providing free and low-cost legal services to underserved immigrant children, families, and refugees. Get 15% off …
 
We're back with possibly the most garrulous podcast in existence. Are we using that right? Anyway, help Christine reach her goal of terminal velocity and help Alexander reach his goal of man spreading all over the internet. We promise the experience will be anything but lugubrious! Ok, no, that definitely can't be right. Where's my thesaurus... Sub…
 
This is a historic moment in Beach Too Sandy history. We read the first review where the reviewer changes their own mind while writing the review. Almost as breathtaking as seeing a grackle in the wild. Listen and appreciate the beauty. Buy our brand new merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon …
 
Think people can't possibly be snobs about something called a 'garbage plate?' Think again, then update your Rolodex. Also, fair warning to people who don't like rats, we talk about them A LOT this episode. Because you know what they say, 'Wheres there hole, rats will find it.' And in our field of dreams, there are plenty of holes for Remy. Buy our…
 
After the success of our Disney Parks episode, we decided to do another one! Oh wait, never mind, these reviews are of Pompeii. But apparently some people can't tell the difference. In an attempt to redeem the craziness, we read our oldest reviews yet! And if that doesn't float your gondola, we talk a lot about sewage. If you want to watch Christin…
 
Don't be too surprised if we rename our podcast to The Shanti Chronicles, because Alex loves his new adopted Gibbon daughter. The news about her might be the most important part of our episode, but it doesn't take away from the craziness that are these reviews. So be sure to listen to this episode, because it has elks, ducks... everything! If you w…
 
Disclaimer: These Podcast Hosts Be Wildin'. Wait, what does that even mean? Anyway, we're reviews of scuba diving in Guam, then Alex reads reviews where the reviewer vows never to return to a state/country. It's just as fun as it sounds! So don't *fundamentally* stop listening to our show and listen to episode 82 now! Buy our brand new merch! https…
 
Who the hell gave us this platform? Oh yeah, you all did... Well thank you for having an IQ higher than a crab and being an outlet for our boring childhood stories. We'll post proof of our "extreme skill and coordination" on our social media in the form of skydiving photos. Enjoy! Buy our brand new merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-t…
 
Welcome to the Church of Yelp, where we teach you everything it takes to get yourself into hell. We're reading reviews of the "benign personality cult" also known as KFC in Japan. Then, Alex sings a warbling tune of reviews where the reviewer mentions a dream they had. All in all, it's a pretty fun episode to listen to as long as you're not Austral…
 
Between the indiscriminate pooping, tea bags, and bodily excreted waste... this might be our grossest episode yet. But if you can make it through, you can hear our mother's favorite joke. Well, maybe that's the worst part of the episode. We'll let you be the judge. See you in our next show, "Yelper Nightmares!" Buy our brand new merch! https://stor…
 
Welcome to our first weekly Winnie-sode! We discuss jellybean storage, dried up condoms, and we touch on what it's like to be an oxygen-dependent woman of a certain age. That's our story, morning glory! Follow Alex on Twitch to watch our upcoming Jackbox Games nights! https://www.twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Buy our brand new merch! https://store.dftba.…
 
The Schiefer Siblings are coming out to play! And they're on a mission... to normalize... constipation? God this episode is messy. If you want, you're welcome to dive headfirst into this mess of crazy craft store reviews and reviews of cat cafes from people allergic to cats. This episode is not sponsored by Eagle-Eye Cherry, but we wish it was as h…
 
From bidets to porn sites, we talk about pretty much everything this episode. Thankfully it's a bonus episode, so we can do what we want! And so can you, but we'd encourage you to donate to the One Fair Wage Emergency Fund by going to OFWEmergencyFund.org. With your leftover money, feel free to buy yourself a plague doctor mask. Buy our brand new m…
 
Turn off your Jimmy Buffet and hop aboard the Silky Pig, because we're going yelping! Join us on this amazing natural journey where we discover all the crazies Minnesota has to offer. Buy our brand new merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream…
 
Before you listen to this episode, we've gotta lay down some ground rules. We expect you to either write us a poem or give us a dollar. And once you do, you'll have to follow the golden rule: ~*~Impeccable Vibes ONLY~*~ Only then can we accept you as our succulent listeners. Buy our brand new merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-san…
 
We've got new merch!! Head over to bit.ly/beachtoosandymerch for a "Lunatic Leftwing Liberal Loser" pin, a "Baron of Cream" shirt or a Beach Too Sandy decal! If you've ever eaten calamari at a bowling alley, this episode isn't for you. Because the lit fairy godmothers Malex and Mristine are judging you. But don't worry, Malex gets what's coming to …
 
Since this was released at 11 PM our time on April 30th, we're counting it as the April Between You And Us. Deal with it or face us and our spirited personalities. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel and watch our first ever live show in New York! www.youtube.com/c/bea…
 
We hope after listening to this episode, you tell everyone how much we mind blew you with our talk of mutant chickens and souvlaki #WhitePizzaWith500RawOnionsInAPoolOfWater Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel and watch our first ever live show in New York! www.youtube.…
 
Listen to this week's episode to find out how you can win a copy of Animal Crossing: New Horizons for the Nintendo Switch! If you already own a copy, listen to this episode to hear us audition for the role of Animal Crossing voice actors, and to find out why Christine is on Alex's dodos' no-fly list. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosan…
 
Years from now, we believe someone will wonder if Tim Allen was one of the hosts of Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. And that person is Christine Schiefer. Find out what else she thinks Tim Allen was in on this episode of your favorite review reading podcast, this time with less Yelp... since apparently Cuba doesn't have Yelp. But we still think you…
 
Calling all iron maiden fans! Whether that's of the band, the medieval torture device, or our mother. We've got an uplifting? bonus episode for you where we only read the positive reviews (mostly)!!!! So come join us for a Gonzo ride in this edition of Schiefer Madness! Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A…
 
YEGADS! In this week's episode, Christine philosophizes and Alex waxes poetic. If that doesn't convince you to listen to this one, then we don't blame you. But we hope you give us the chance to warn you about big brother watching you through light switches and of the dangers of fascist architecture. We promise it's worth it. Support us on Patreon a…
 
Is that title really not enough for you? Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel to see our beautiful faces! www.youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavu…
 
Let me tell you something, bro... *thumbs down emoji* *poop emoji *coffin emoji* *nails emoji* *baby bottle emoji* *pill emoji* *wrench emoji* KARMA BACK AT YOU! Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel and watch our first ever live show in New York! www.youtube.com/c/beach…
 
Hey all you cool cats and kittens! If you haven't watched Tiger King, give in to all the pressure and watch it. Otherwise, this episode is gonna be pretty nonsensical. All we want to do during our stay-at-home order is drink wine and rescue bobcats, but we took the time to record this ridiculous episode. Enjoy! Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/…
 
Love a good panto? That must mean you're British! So stop whatever yawn-fest you're participating in, and join us as we read reviews of universities in England. Christine also reads some of the worst reviews we've had on the show, and there's nothing redeeming about them. So... enjoy? Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly…
 
You should really listen to this episode, but keep in mind that it won't save your life. Only Lysol can do that apparently. We hope you enjoy this surprise bonus episode. Please stay safe out there! And a very big thank you to everyone who is still working and supporting their communities. Things you can do during the COVID-19 epidemic: Donate to h…
 
Dear Webmaster, Please enjoy this episode of us speaking in runes about Lord of the Rings. After that, Alex gives us a much needed pick me up when he reads reviews mentioning bodega cats, who are as fuzzy as the ham they eat. So turn your ring lights on and try not to be put off to hobbits! Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a m…
 
Things you can do during the COVID-19 epidemic: Donate to help kids who depend on school lunches at http://www.nokidhungry.org Avoid purchasing WIC items to save them for families who depend on WIC. Support your local Chinese businesses! Self-isolate! Vulnerable members of the community are depending on all of us to help stop the spread of the viru…
 
If you've never listened to Beach Too Sandy, prepare yourself by imagining you're meeting a 6-foot tall teddy bear with titanium legs. We're reading all sorts of reviews that are related (very loosely) to Saint Patrick's Day! Christine even sings and you definitely don't want to miss it. So pop out your Enya tape and enjoy another exploration of aw…
 
If you're considering writing a review of our show while hospitalized, be sure to wait until the morphine has kicked in. Because you might not be happy with us after this episode, especially if you live in Australia. But at least we stay true to our name and read reviews about beaches being too sandy and water being too wet! We'd say that's pretty …
 
If you normally listen to our show in the presence of family, we'd recommend switching that up for this episode. And if for some reason you let your children listen to this explicit podcast, DEFINITELY keep them far away from this one. Ok now that the warning is out of the way, allow us to tickle your ears with our tiny hands as we explore awful re…
 
Sure, we're probably the last people on the planet who should be hosting a podcast episode about Disney, but we still had a blast reading terrible reviews of their 'cloyingly ahistorical' parks. We do our best not to overanalyze the people who go out of their way to write today's reviews, mainly because we ourselves don't seem to know the differenc…
 
Welcome to Schiefer Family Therapy, where the very hot and extremely humble Alex and croissant-phobic Christine tackle their biggest issues. If you're a family member of ours, please know we are terribly sorry for what you are about to listen to. And we'd honestly rather if you just skip this one... As for the rest of you, sit your bare bottoms dow…
 
You're joining us live from the travelator in Tesco, where a follower of Christ and her alien intern brother are reading terrible reviews. These two right little chatterboxes have a doozy of an episode for you, so please enjoy this while our meager existences fight against the inevitability that is entropy. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beac…
 
The Valentine's Lorax has a warning for you: If you were hoping for our Ireland episode, don't listen to this one because you'll have to wait another week. Surprise! It's a Valentine's Day episode! We read reviews of all sorts of things to get you ready to stuff your face with conversation hearts and write your letter to Mr. Grindr. Enjoy! Support …
 
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