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James Graham, the Marquis of Montrose, the 'Great Montrose' won a series of brilliant, almost impossible victories over the Covenanters in 1644-45 that is remembered as the 'Year of Miracles'. Such a run of near impossible victories wouldn't be seen again in British history until Leicester won the league in 2016. Montrose fought to make himself 'Ma…
 
When civil war broke out in England in 1642 both the English Parliamentarians and Royalists petitioned the Scots Covenanters for their support. The Covenanters had the strongest army across all three kingdoms, they had defeated the Royalist forces of Charles I with remarkable ease in the Bishop Wars of 1639/40. The Covenanters may have been miserab…
 
Charles I tried desperately to assimilate the Scottish Presbyterian kirk with the English Anglican church, when he introduced a new Common Prayer Book to Scotland in 1637 an Edinburgh woman called Jenny Geddes famously reacted by throwing her stool at the Dean of St Giles Cathedral's head - by stool I mean what she was sat on, she wasn't throwing h…
 
Queen Elizabeth I died in the early hours of the 29th of March 1603 having resolutely refused to name an heir, to marry, or to attempt to conceive an heir. It meant the famed Tudor dynasty came to an end in the hands of a pasty-white, red-headed-leader - just like the end of Celtic’s dynasty, except where Elizabeth refused to be pumped Neil Lennon …
 
James obsession with sorcery, witchcraft, and satanism would lead to thousands of innocent, predominantly women, being tried, tortured, and executed as witches. Thousands suffered because of one man's obsession, one insipid, sweaty, balding, misogynistic, xenophobic, orange, small-handed, pussy-grabbing, prick of a king - but it's very difficult to…
 
James was given a vigorous education as a child, he was being raised to be an 'Exemplary Protestant Leader' - which is what Arlene Foster has printed on her business cards. James was a child genius and probably the most intelligent world leader until Donald Trump, and like Donald Trump he too was in love with a family member, not his daughter but a…
 
Mary was beheaded at Fotheringhay Castle in Northamptonshire on the 8th of February 1587. The English went and beheaded our queen, and since they got to behead our queen it's only fair we should get to behead their's - head for a head and all that. Mary was found guilty of 'imagining diverse matters tending to the death and destruction of the queen…
 
By the time of Mary’s ‘escape’ to England in May 1568 both her mother and father were dead, she had two dead husbands, she ruled over a country that had changed its religious and political structures overnight, was berated by angry Protestants, put down a rebellion by her brother, witnessed the horrific murder of her secretary, was imprisoned and e…
 
Mary's second husband Lord Henry Darnley was a vindictive, alcoholic, spiteful, womanising, pig-f*cker he had all the necessary attributes to become Prime Minister but it also meant he had a lot of enemies. There were plenty in the Scottish nobility with motive to want Darnley dead, his murder in the Scottish Gunpowder Plot in February 1567 is Scot…
 
John Knox was Scotland's most miserable man before Sir Andy Murray. He was a middle-aged, extreme-Protestant, who despised the charismatic female ruler of Scotland - like your uncle on Facebook - and was one of the leading figures in the 'Reformation'. We were always destined to be Protestants in Scotland, Scottish people will choose 'grey misery' …
 
After 20 episodes and a thousand years of Scottish history Mountebank is taking a wee break. I will be back in no time at all with my episodes on Mary Queen of Scots, in the meantime please continue to nominate deserving folk to receive bottles and whisky and mind and leave me a wee bit of money on 'Buy Me a Coffee' so I can buy them :)…
 
Robert II despite being well past his best when he became king Robert II continued to tour Scotland until he was 74 years old, he had 20 children through two marriages, and was for all intent purposes utter shite - Rod Stewart has very much modelled his career on that of 'Rod II'. His successor Robert III considered himself to be the worst king Sco…
 
David II was the son of Robert The Bruce and that's a lot of pressure, they are some seriously big boots to fill - it's a bit like how Sir Alex Ferguson's son is a football manager, your dad is the most successful, the most famous and instantly recognisable Scottish king of all time and you're managing Peterborough United or whatever Gammon town in…
 
The Declaration of Arbroath was affirmed at Arbroath Abbey on the 6th of April 1320. The Declaration decreed that should the king be deemed to be an ineffectual leader then his subjects had the right to replace him - this was back in the days when being a complete f*ck head was seen as being undesirable in a leader, unlike now where it is a necessa…
 
The Battle of Bannockburn fought on the 24th of June 1314 was an incredible victory for the Scots army led by Robert Bruce against the superior English forces of Edward II. It made the scores Scotland one - England a miiiiiiiillion. By winning the battle of Bannockburn Robert Bruce secured his kingdom and effectively ensured the survival of Scotlan…
 
Robert the Bruce was a king on the run after the shocking, sacrilegious murder of his rival John Comyn in a church in Dumfries - shocking because crimes committed in churches were supposed to be exclusively for the priest. He then famously went into hiding, had a run in with a spider, and reemerged in the spring of 1307 a rejuvenated superhero, a b…
 
William Wallace, Scotland's greatest patriot, suffered a particularly brutal execution. His decapitated head was placed on a pike and taken to the Bullington club in Oxford where future Tories copulated with it while his limbs were hacked off and sent to Newcastle, Berwick, Stirling and Perth, where they were then deep-fat fried and served in the l…
 
The most instantly recognisable and most revered Scottish patriot of all time takes some time to talk to you about William Wallace..!! Part One 'Guardian of Scotland' tells Wallace's story from when he 'raised his head' in 1297 through his victory at Stirling Bridge and defeat at the Battle of Falkirk just a year later…
 
The 13th century and the rule of 'The Alexanders' was Scotland's golden age - only because no one realised how bad things were going to get in the 14th century, it's a bit like the Scottish football team in the 90's we didn't realise they were actually a pretty good team until Bertie Vogts came along and then we started to get pumped off of Kazakhs…
 
Macbeth wasn't just the main character in that play you hated, and he wasn't a detective solving crimes with his adorable wee West Highland terrier in the Scottish equivalent of Midsummer either. The real life Macbeth was an 11th century king of Scotland. The last truly Celtic king of Scotland he suffered a bad press thanks to that pesky William Sh…
 
The Mountebank History of Scotland is a series of comical history podcasts charting the history of Scotland from the 1st century to the present day. In episode #1 The Romans were scared of midgies, the 'Scots' are actually Irish and the indigenous people of Scotland would ride into battle bollock naked and covered in tattoos (1500 years before the …
 
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