I was afraid he would kill me - Gina


Manage episode 295760763 series 2444209
By Leah Carey. Discovered by Player FM and our community — copyright is owned by the publisher, not Player FM, and audio is streamed directly from their servers. Hit the Subscribe button to track updates in Player FM, or paste the feed URL into other podcast apps.

Gina grew up as a hot babe, the kind we’d all be jealous of. It took a long journey of sexual acting out and questionable marriages for her to realize that she was both groomed to be this way, and that it’s a trauma response to early assaults. Being performative, dominant, or checking out are still common ways her body responds, even though she loves her husband. She is the mother of two daughters and is committed to finding a path to sex that feels safe, and hopefully even enjoyable.

Gina is a 43-year-old cisgender female. She describes herself as Latina, monogamous, straight, and married. She was brought up in a Catholic home and she now has two daughters. She describes her body as average and peri-menopausal.

Bookmark moments:

  • 7:10 - Gina shares her first memory of sexual pleasure, rubbing herself on the corner of a piece of furniture as a child—something she now sees her own young daughters doing. She only learned as an adult that people masturbate and this is common.
  • 14:25 - Gina has a repressed memory of being molested. Leah shares that you do not need to know what happened in order to heal.
  • 19:00 - Gina has her first boyfriend, and first unpleasant groping. It brings up a memory of a previous unwanted, confusing fingering by a non-blood-related family member.
  • 25:02 - They discuss autonomic pleasure during assault, and how deeply confusing that can be.
  • 30:49 - Gina remembers feeling pleasure when she finally has consensual sex, but she knew even then to be performative. She links this to growing up, when her father encouraged her to look sexy as though that reflected positively on him and would speak inappropriately in front of her.
  • 35:26 - She starts playing a dangerous game with getting herself in and out of sexual situations to reclaim control. In the middle of this she gets married at 18, he is in the military, and she has intense anxiety attacks. A double life ensues.
  • 43:17 - Gina opens up about having a sexual attraction to women which coincided with an increasing disgust with the men for whom she stripped.
  • 47:55- She gets out of the bad marriage and rewrites her story with an unusual new marriage the same day of her divorce. She has loads of sexual encounters, enough to earn her a nickname; they divorce when his girlfriend gets pregnant.
  • 51:45 - She meets her current husband; at the time she sees him as fresh meat to teach. She enters a period of discovering herself *without* sex and deliberately envisions who she wants to be—someone who is truthful and has intellectual coffee shop friends.
  • 55:26 - Childhood trauma resurfaces as she faces a new conflict: how to enjoy sex without performing her enjoyment. 18 years into a happy marriage, she still struggles between detachment and control. Motherhood, especially touch out from breastfeeding, complicates things.
  • 1:02:40 - Gina recognizes a need for non-sexual touch and intimacy, actual foreplay, creating safety, clear communication, and understanding her trauma responses. She shares their journey through marital therapy to recover from a rough patch and her brief infidelity. Sex-specific therapy is discussed.
  • 1:12:00 - Trauma responses are discussed.


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Host / Producer – Leah Carey (email) Audio Editor – Gretchen Kilby Administrative Support - Lara O'Connor, Maria Franco

Transcript creation – Jan Acielo Music – Nazar Rybak

139 episodes