#119 - Terry Real: Breaking the cycle of shame, anger, and depression

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By Peter Attia, MD, Peter Attia, and MD. Discovered by Player FM and our community — copyright is owned by the publisher, not Player FM, and audio is streamed directly from their servers. Hit the Subscribe button to track updates in Player FM, or paste the feed URL into other podcast apps.

Terry Real, a renowned family therapist and best-selling author, helps people create the connections they desire in their relationships. In this episode, Terry describes how his upbringing with an abusive father forged his path to become a therapist, develop his Relational Life Therapy (RLT) framework, and write I Don't Want to Talk About It—a book that reveals the hidden legacy of male depression. Terry discusses the link between childhood trauma and the deep-rooted shame, anger, and depression, which can result in feeling disconnected. Using real-life examples, Terry explains how he implements RLT to confront trauma, discover its origin, and teach the skills to break the cycle of pain, in order to live a satisfying life.

We discuss:
  • Terry’s upbringing with a depressed and abusive father [3:15];
  • The importance of the repair process, after relational disharmony, to break the trauma cycle [15:15];
  • The impact of a patriarchal society, and relational growth as the next step for feminism [19:00];
  • Origins of deep-rooted shame, and the difference between feeling ashamed and feeling guilty [27:15];
  • Preventing the propagation of trauma without over-coddling kids [35:30];
  • The one-up/one-down cycle from grandiosity to shame [37:30];
  • Covert depression—Steps to fixing the secret legacy of male depression [40:00];
  • Three forms of false self-esteem [50:00];
  • Narcissism—A misunderstood concept [51:45];
  • The interplay of shame, anger, and grandiosity, and how to break the cycle [54:15];
  • The Relational Life Therapy framework [1:06:30];
  • How the adaptive child becomes the maladaptive adult [1:15:30];
  • Speaking the language of social relationships [1:21:45];
  • When does it make sense for a couple to separate? [1:26:30];
  • Witness abuse—Consequences of screaming at your partner in the presence of children [1:28:15];
  • Cases of instantaneous change, and other behavioral changes that may take more time [1:30:45];
  • Reconciling with his father—Terry’s final conversation with his dad [1:33:45]; and
  • More.

Learn more: https://peterattiamd.com/ Show notes page for this episode: https://peterattiamd.com/terryreal Subscribe to receive exclusive subscriber-only content: https://peterattiamd.com/subscribe/ Sign up to receive Peter's email newsletter: https://peterattiamd.com/newsletter/ Connect with Peter on Facebook | Twitter | Instagram.

193 episodes