Stealing The Dead Skunk Back And Forth Forever

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Manage episode 260883824 series 2569150
By Jim Stormdancer. Discovered by Player FM and our community — copyright is owned by the publisher, not Player FM, and audio is streamed directly from their servers. Hit the Subscribe button to track updates in Player FM, or paste the feed URL into other podcast apps.

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Lords:

  • April is a beast lord and Jim's wife. @AprilSaur
  • Ryan is somehow also Jim's wife? @RyanIkeComposer

Topics:

Microtopics:

  • Making a good dad joke on twitter.
  • The ravens that have been building a nest behind your corpyard at work.
  • The squabbling raven couple next door.
  • Being the neighbor who didn't call animal control.
  • Trying to remember the names of Odin's ravens.
  • Distributing podcast episodes in a post-internet wasteland.
  • The kid in middle school who guessed you were from New York because of how you say "basketball."
  • Why Jim is such a coward.
  • Reaching deep into the topic bucket and pulling out a black ichorous monster.
  • A garden hose spigot installed in your butt such that poop sprays forward instead of down.
  • Bodily fluids canceling each other out when you miss the toilet and so you just end up with a wet wall.
  • Liking ketchup so much you CRISPR a biological ketchup dispenser into your elbow.
  • Accidentally triggering your ketchup hands when you're icing a cake.
  • Putting a cap on your ketchup elbow so you don't drip ketchup everywhere.
  • Whether your new dispenser is a squishy flesh hose or a brass steampunk spigot.
  • Reframing your fleshy protuberance that shoots someone else's blood to sound scary and eldritch.
  • A spigot that shoots liquid money.
  • Making up for your horrifying blood pranks by giving blood.
  • Whipping blood into stiff peaks.
  • Carnivorous merengue.
  • Using science to make human blood safe to eat.
  • Letting the listeners hear the good podcast juice.
  • Falling down on your New Year's resolution starting in March.
  • Watching the Witcher show and then reading the Witcher short stories it was based on and knowing exactly what's going to happen.
  • Alchemy and math and words.
  • Whether or not reading on a screen still counts.
  • Reading your driver's license every night before you go to bed.
  • Getting hungry immediately after the body spigot discussion.
  • Being over your meal by the time you're done cooking it.
  • Assembling duck a l'orange ingredient by ingredient in your tummy and by the time you finish cooking it you're like "I've already eaten this."
  • Something standing right in front of you that you can't perceive.
  • Deciding not to read scary stories to your wife right before bed.
  • Getting ready for prose form, motherfuckers.
  • Trying to remember someone's name and only remembering that they have initials.
  • Medieval fantasy Londons and their relationships to magic.
  • Reading ahead in the tabletop adventure book.
  • A vault with 8 different kinds of locks on it, filled with non-negotiable bearer bonds.
  • A regular bearer bond except you can't negotiate for it.
  • A non-negotiable bond except you can hold it.
  • The database documenting the contents of the warehouse at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.
  • Manufacturing tiny toy guns and not being able to fight back against terrorists because your guns are too small.
  • Explaining why your tiny gun manufacturer has a money basement.
  • Tiny toy guns using only the tiniest gunpowder.
  • Writing the first season of your mystery show with the certainty that it'll be canceled after one season.
  • Having to figure out what polar bears are after your show gets renewed.
  • When a duck decides to start whispering its quacks.
  • The most convenient jaguar.
  • Biting each other in the face and having a good Bear Time.
  • Bats' closest relatives being humans because all their other relatives died.
  • Delaying gestation until everyone's pregnant at once.
  • Bats all giving birth at the same time and overwhelming the health care system.
  • A zoo except for the sea.
  • Watching a jellyfish enclosure and asking "what are they doing in there?"
  • Plastic bags floating around in the sea except they're alive and they'll still be alive after you're dead.
  • The universe being a big stupid donut.
  • Nobody giving a shit that you read Great Expectations.
  • Garfield being the great literature of the coming era.
  • Allegorical lasagna.
  • Caramelizing all your onions at once.
  • Cutting your sandwich into a pair of rhombuses.
  • Sitting on a stack of the most prestigious award in the country.
  • Figuring out what axis you can cut a hamburger on diagonally.
  • When the burrito guy folds your burrito wrong and the first bite is entirely sour cream.
  • Burrito Gaia, filled with loam, mantle and magma.
  • Naming your next kid after your least-favorite burrito.
  • The food dictator making you a cup of Crispix when all you wanted was grilled cheese.
  • The puzzle with the farmer trying to get a hen, fox and grain across the river except it's your butt, your poop, and a jet of water.
  • Taking it to squirts-town.
  • Building a hotel before they invented the combination toilet/bidet.
  • The french word for when you take a dump in somebody's bidet.
  • Hygiene strategies if a bird poops on your butthole.
  • The nose being an evolutionary strategy to protect our mouths from bird poop.
  • Dunking your whole ass in the ass-height sink.
  • Just making zoo noises until you've reached the required minimum podcast length.

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